


Ain't No Angst For The Wicked

by God_of_Insanity



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Humor, I can't do the they/them thing, Implied Slash, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Short One Shot, Sorry Not Sorry, Violence, Zer0 is a He in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 07:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/God_of_Insanity/pseuds/God_of_Insanity
Summary: The Vault Hunters overhear something quite shocking from a Bandit outpost.





	Ain't No Angst For The Wicked

“SO…he ignores me all the time now and all he does is talk about his problems!” Ranted the Angry Midget as he paced, or more like ran back and forth swinging the little knife in his hand, which other close by Bandits quickly dodged to avoid being cut. His little body was covered in old, dried blood and despite the mask he wore, his body language clearly spoke volumes about just how pissed off he was.

“KILL HIM!” Shrieked a Psycho who jumped up and down excitedly, his breathing harsh and ragged like he’d been running for several miles nonstop. Thankfully he didn’t have a weapon in hand otherwise he probably would have thrown it before running to fetch it again and again. This Bandit group had lost several people because of their Psychos throwing bombs and blades at the wrong people. Despite how crazy the Psychos were, they were effective enough at being a distraction and attacking their enemies since they didn’t seem to care if they died or not.

“That’s what you _always_ say,” sighed a Bandit who had been listening to the rant out of sheer boredom. The heat was blistering hot and there was precious little to do until the Bandit leader returned from his trip. There were no women around or even attractive men, so there wasn’t much to do to entertain themselves except mess with one another. Most of the food was gone and sadly, all of their porno magazines were currently ripped up or covered in semen. Unfortunately, their boss had forbidden them from harming or killing one another since he was sick and tired of having to replace his men constantly. Until he returned, they just had to sit tight and wait. Hopefully he would bring back something good.

Another Bandit commented, “Who the hell unchained the Angry Midget? Seriously, it’s gonna be a pain in the ass to chain his ass back to the car…”

"Boss said to," answered another Bandit as he scratched at his dry neck, skin red and cracked by the unforgiving heat of Pandora. With his other hand, he scratched at his sweaty crotch and balls through the material of his pants. "Said the Angry Midgets need to be walked sometimes or they'll die. Boss is right, though. Last one died chained to the car and it stunk up the place for weeks."

"All I hear about is his boring ass day!  Same shit...Every. Single. Fucking. Day. But does he care about my day?! No! He ignores everything I say and if I don't hang off his every word, he gets butt hurt and whines about it!" Continued the Angry Midget, seemingly oblivious to any conversation going on around him. 

The first Bandit knew he'd regret this, but he spoke anyway, "But _you're_ whining right now. Why don't you tell him how you feel? Maybe he'll understand."

The other lingering Bandits all nodded their heads in silent agreement at the first Bandit's oddly sage words. 

"I'm not whining, I'm ranting! And besides, he doesn't listen. If I say anything, he clams up and becomes passive aggressive! It's really annoying. He...doesn't even watch me kill people anymore, but he gets mad if I don't watch him stab people. It's not fair. He's supposed to be my friend but everything is always about him, him, him..." Hissed the Angry Midget, foaming at the mouth like he had rabies and yet due to the mask, no one could see it or the copious amount of tears welling up in his previously dry eyes. 

"RAPE HIS EYE SOCKETS!" Screamed the Psycho in an effort to help as he continuously jumped up and down. 

"Thanks, but he probably wouldn't even notice," said the Angry Midget, trying hard not try cry out of hurt and frustration.  

The first Bandit seemed to feel sympathy, or at least some meager amount of pity for the Angry Midget. Walking closer, he patted the sad Midget on the head. "Hey. Tell you what...go talk to him and if he doesn't listen to you, I'll kill him for you."

The Angry Midget looked up in shock at the Bandit, hope more visible in his body language than in his masked face. "You...you will?"

"NO! DONT TALK! KILL! KILL! EAT HIS FLESH! RAPE HIS BULLET HOLES!" Disagreed the Psycho as he violently shook his head and his arms. 

"Yeah, I will. How does that sound?" Said the first Bandit, ignoring the raving Psycho, though his hand was on his stolen _Vladof_ brand pistol just in case the Psycho got too homicidal.  

"Sounds-" Started the Angry Midget before his head exploded. Several others were killed on the spot before the Bandits, Psychos, Bruisers, and others jumped to defend their post and lives. 

Crouched on a boulder some distance away, Zer0 had his elemental sniper rifle aimed at the Bandits' outpost. He provided cover for the other Vault Hunters as they advanced on the Bandits.

"Hey, I thought we were supposed to wait?" Said Maya, using her Echo communicator to talk to Zer0 as she used her SMG to down several Psychos stampeding towards her. She trapped one too close for comfort in a bubble using her Siren powers before killing the bold fool painfully. 

"I'm sorry, Maya. I could not take anymore. Their drivel was bad," explained the Assassin calmly, pausing a moment to reload before taking more shots, his caustic weapon melting the flesh of the bandits. 

"I don't blame Zer0," spoke Mordecai through the Echo communicator.

Although he was still back at _New Haven_ , he had been listening through the Echo communicator to the Bandits, too. He sighed, "Thanks, amigo. They were starting to grate my nerves anyway. If you hadn't done it, I would have come out there myself to stop that bullshit. Goddamn, they're worse than women. I need a drink now."

"I do understand. What are friends for, Mordecai?  I'll buy you that drink," promised Zer0, his monotonous voice oddly softer than usual. 

" _Hey!_ I take offence to that, Mordy!" Hissed Lilith, her voice heard on the Echo communicator, too. Unlike the others, the red-haired Siren was actually standing there with the Hunter so she promptly hit him on the arm in retaliation. "No wonder you don't have a girl. You're an asshole."

After splattering more bandit brains, Zer0 calmly said, "Mordecai has me. He has no need of a girl. I thought you knew that."

"Oh... _yeeeah_! I forgot all about that! Mordy likes him some hot alien dick!" Squealed Lilith teasingly while the big Berserker Brick chuckled obnoxiously near her. "Wait...is he even male? Or does he have a vajayjay? Or both?"

"So Mordy, what's he like in bed? Does he even have a dick or is he all smooth down there like a doll?" Inquired Brick smugly. 

Mordecai sighed very loudly, ignoring his loud, obnoxious friends. "Zer0, please hurry back. I need that drink... like _yesterday_. I'll see you back at _New Haven_ soon. Don't leave me here too long with these assholes...cuz...I just might kill 'em." 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
